My why

Most people don’t know why I chose to go into the field of education. Why have I dedicated so much towards furthering my education and career.

My reason why is that the system failed me.

I began speech therapy with a private therapist and then once in the public school system slapped with the title of “Special Ed”. With this came pity from many teachers and almost an unwillingness to push me further after all all special education students were treated with a certain stigma in the 80s and 90s. The stigma told over and over was that I was unable to do anything for myself and I was not smart. There’s a lot of things that happen when your teachers, counselors and even principals tell you to get a job where you don’t have to talk. Where you can hide and be a mute all day. After all, special education was considered to be subpar to everyone else.

The difficult part is that I believed it. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to do what I wanted to. I believed I should be ashamed of who I was. The resulted in stumbling through elementary and middle school with mainly Cs. I wanted to be one of the “smart kids” but was told I didn’t have the intellectual capacity.

In high school there was a college night and I fell in love with the brochures from Princeton, Vanderbilt, and Duke. They were nice colorful brochures, but in order to get anywhere I needed to pull myself together. What happened was that I started to fight. I insisted on attending every ARD meeting. I took almost every PreAp and AP course offered. When the report card came out and said “AP US History-Modified” along with that same label on all my other classes I immediately demanded that they be taken off. I was not going to receive special treatment. The only modification was extra time speaking in all 5 years of French class. A class I insisted on taking.

Several people thought I couldn’t make it. That opinion made me so mad and upset that I wanted to prove the, wrong. When I was told over and over that girls, especially a special Ed girl couldn’t do math or science, I went after engineering and eventually mathematics at one of the top schools in the state. When I thought about how much I had to advocate and fight every day during my schooling to receive a quality education, I knew that I wanted to go into education. I wanted to be a role model to my students that anyone can do what they want to do. It may have taken 50 resumes, 12 interviews and one job offer as a first year teacher. But I took it. Nothing and no one was going to stand in my way.

Still I felt the shame and stigma. Every laugh, joke, hung up phone call, everything was humiliating. I kept battling this for several years, some better than others. The fight and needing to constantly prove myself was difficult. There’s a quote –paraphrasing here, that the object that blocks your path is your way. Sheer determination pushed me, but acceptance helped me find my path. I’m proud to have some good and some bad days with my speech, but I’m still here. By being here and my authentic self maybe it’ll inspire others to be courageous. Maybe I’ll be a role model, voice, and advocate for the millions of students labeled as special Ed in our educational system. When your passion and determination are there nothing can stand in your way.

Why do I share this? Because if it inspires one person then it’s worth it. It’s vulnerable and opens up some deep wounds, yes. But it’s authentic. Yesterday I was sitting in my child’s own ARD advocating that he be treated and recognized for all of his abilities, not disabilities. My other son in 4th grade wrote an essay about how I was his hero, not Spider-Man or batman, but me. It’s truly humbling. He has seen so much and that’s made him so compassionate.

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“Good Enough”

What does it mean to be good enough? Who defines it? Is it the houses, cars we drive, materialistic things we own, our career? The funny thing is that the majority of people tend to think if I have this house, or this outfit, or this promotion then I’ll be good enough, then I’ll be accepted.

But what if that isn’t the case? What if no one is really looking or judging you? What if you enjoyed the journey instead of trying to speed to finish something? I caught myself doing this earlier this week while reading a book. How many pages are left? Can I finish it tonight? I wonder if I read it a second time at a slower pace, without an efficient timeline that I would get more out of it.

The fact is-that I’m still learning is that the only person I need to be “good enough” for is myself. I can define what that looks like and was it means to be successful. I can define who I am, no one else has that power. The question is what do you want and how can you make it a reality?

I have so many stories where I’ve felt not good enough because I was trying to impress someone or I was being over critical of myself tearing myself to shreds. It takes daily reminders, mindfulness and time but I’ll get there. Until then I’ll enjoy the journey.

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Acceptance

I’ve been reading a lot personally and professionally. Both discuss the idea of change and that it’s inevitable, that’s life. Nothing will, last forever. One of the books I just finished was “When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt advice for Difficult Times” by Pema Choldon. This was recommended to be by a colleague who is always very calm and composed. She didn’t get worked up when things changed and embraced it. Somehow I knew this was the direction I wanted to go.

I made a decision to take better care of myself. This included physical things such as taking a ton of vitamins, morning/night face cream, allowing myself some indulgences, not obsessing over a certain weight or pant size-what matters more is being healthy and feeling good. I used to think if I was a certain weight, pant size, had a certain purse, or suit then I’d be happy and accepted. The truth that I now see is that none of that matters. I’m meditating daily and working on staying in the present moment. This means not jumping ahead to the “what if’s” and not dwelling in the past. It’s a long journey but one I feel I need to make.

In my professional career I’ve always been ambitious and had a plan since I was in college on how I would get there. It took some work but starting to realize that the journey is the goal. There is no “you’ve made it, you’re finished”. Instead it’s about growing. This sounds like a simple thing to accept but for someone who wants to “better themselves” as if there is something wrong with them, this is quite a shift. It’s acceptance.

Acceptance in doing your best but also realizing that life has suffering. There is no escape from it. Maybe the best thing is to embrace instead of run from it. I’ve had to reframe my beliefs of accepting help as being weak. I’ve had coworkers and neighbors bring my family dinners and help with yard work in the 105 degree heat. My oldest having six weeks of great therapy and talking about cancer has been a blessing and I’m glad I accepted instead of pushing away help.

For the majority of my life I’ve fought against everything. Maybe stubborn, but I could never accept or be happy with myself. Chasing materialistic things hoping it would make me feel whole and happy. This shift through accepting me as me with all the ups and downs has brought great relief. I’ve felt shame, humiliation, anger, and self-hate over not being able to “fix” my speech impediment. It has caused great emotional pain for over 30 years. For the first time in being open and vulnerable I’m able to acknowledge that and accept myself. To be at peace with who I am.

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“Daring Greatly” by Brené Brown and Vulnerabilities

It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the aren, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again,

Because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause;

Who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly….”

–Theodore Roosevelt, ”Daring Greatly” Brené Brown, pg. 251

I’ve been a fan of Brené Brown and have just finished “Daring Greatly”. She’s coming to Austin this Fall for the Women’s conference. Managed to snag a ticket literally as I was being hooked up for my second round of chemo. I was not going to miss it! The hook is talking about things that we as a society don’t normally talk about.

”Sometimes the bravest and most important thing you can do is just show up”, Brown, 243. So here I am showing up and reveiling the (wo)man behind the curtain. To do so we must open ourselves up and be vulnerable.

What does it it mean to shed our armor and be vulnerable? To reveal the truth behind our struggles and triumphs. An underlying theme of many of the self-help, personal growth, and leadership books is the idea of being authentic. By being your authentic self you’re more approachable and don’t need to ‘put on an act’ or to be invisible. Most of us want to appear perfect and be Superwoman/Superman. We can do it all, balance everything. What is reality though and why is there still disappointment and shame when we don’t live up to these false expectations?

Laying it all on the line. Taking the plunge. Putting it all out there. What’s the worst that can happen? Well if you’re most people a million reasons immediately flood your mind. It’s easier to stay safe and blend in than be bold and take a risk. Why does fear hold back so much risk and reward? Do folks not like change so much that the status quo is a much safer option? Or is the real fear that it may be rejected or not good enough?

There needs to be a strong drive and reason to challenge your own preconceptions and take that plunge. I guess that’s what I’m starting to do right now. I’m laying out my experiences so others can learn from them and know that they are not alone. Is it scary? A bit, but what’s the alternative that lots of people around the world believe that they too are alone or no one understands what they’re going through?

As a personal example, I was bad at math throughout school. Even that last sentence is wrong, I was told again and again I was bad at math. I felt shame at never grasping the concept fast enough, not knowing the answers when the teacher called on me, or failing test after test. My teachers were content with me barely passing with a C. This is partly due to the special-ed label and being a girl that I’ll get on that soap box another time. Math was a perceived weakness of mine and I needed to spend multiple hours working problems on a 8×10 dry erase board I had hung up in my room. Next to the NSync poster of course. It needed to become my strength. I needed to be better and prove everyone wrong. I hated the struggle and the humiliation of not being good enough. So what did I do? I insisted on taking the most advanced math classes (barely scraping by), getting a Bachelor of Science in Mathematics from the University of Texas at Austin, taught math to students in grades 7-12, and later went on to earn two masters in ed action and lead mathematics for a school district. 20 years ago no one would have thought or expected this. There were no expectations from the school. So why did I do it?

One I wanted to prove the teachers/counselors/principals/speech therapists/classmates who told me that I wasn’t smart enough and that I could do it, that I actually could and did. Secondly I knew that humiliation and shame of being a second class student and being labeled as special ed in the 80s and 90s. Teachers lowered their expectations and the group of us-no matter the labeled disability everyone was seen as incapable. I wanted to help all students not struggle the way I did. To not let their label dictate their perceived opportunities in life. By struggling myself I knew how to break down the concepts and make it easier for others. I had developed empathy and would be the school advocate I never had.

“Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness we’ll can be be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity” Pemba Chodron.

Proving people wrong, those who have told you that you can’t do something is fun-I’ll admit that. But when does it become enough? How much do you have to prove to them and yourself? It’s a monster that grows. One day you may realize you never had to prove anything to anyone. Would it all have been worth it? What if you did something not to prove it to anyone including yourself but just because you wanted to?

A few random thoughts as I finish up this book and go on to the next.

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