Self-Compassion

One of the changes I’ve made to my life this past year is the amount I read. In the past, I’d begrudgingly do a book study if it was required but ask someone who actually had read the book what it was about. However in part to pass the time and in part to do anything to help myself, I began to read a lot of self-help and business books. I really enjoyed Berne Brown, and got comfortable that being vulnerable was okay. Shortcomings didn’t have to be hidden and I didn’t have to fear that “they’d be discovered”. Wow, you’re not perfect, big surprise. Perfection is something that a lot of people strive for and failure to reach it is often a big blow. One of my “biggest failures” or I should say perceived (for a very long time) failures was not doing my best and blowing an interview at a job that I wanted so bad. Immediately after the interview I was in tears knowing that I blew it and would never be good enough. I went home and had a lot of drinks that night. In the morning I still felt that shame of failure. What I finally acknowledged after a very long time was that the candidate they chose was the absolute right person for the job at the time. They even became a mentor and friend. If I had “succeeded” at this test, another time I would have failed and it would have led to the same outcome. Call it what you will, God’s plan, another door opening, lessons to be learned, or all of the above. I had to reframe and refocus.

What was I missing? A lot of books and reflections later it started to sink in that just interviewing for this major role and being chosen to do so was a big accomplishment and a major step forward. In retrospect, I should have celebrated that win instead of beating myself up. I highly recommend the books “Self-Compassion” and “The Confidence Code”. What I’m learning is that in bringing more balance to my life I need to strive to embrace failures and fail often. This doesn’t mean I like failing, far from it, but each day I try to get a little more comfortable with the idea. Hopefully this “fail fast, fail often” will lead me to more opportunities and taking more risks. The big eye opener and the reason I share this blog is that for a long time I thought it was just me having these thoughts. Others who have been brave enough to share their journey and be vulnerable have inspired me to share mine. Maybe it’ll have an impact on someone else. It’s okay to fail and fail often, it’s how you pick yourself up and keep going that counts.

In the months following my immunotherapy treatments my thyroid was completely messed up. This and the stress of trying to pick myself up without falling-balancing everything at once has caused me to gain 25 pounds in the last six months. Again with the beating myself up with not fitting into clothes and seeing a size I never thought I would. It was very depressing. This weekend I decided to clear out and put in storage or donate all the clothes that no longer fit. It was tough but I needed to let go of the idea of “perfection” and be accepting of this temporary status. The result is more self compassion and understanding. It wasn’t going to be an overnight fix, drop 25 pounds and be the best ever, be perfect. It was going to take time and be a journey, and that’s okay. It’s not about the destination, but the journey. So as a self affirmation for my journey, I’ll continuously remind myself that I AM ENOUGH. And if you need it or no one has told you. YOU ARE ENOUGH.

 

New year, New possibilities

A year ago I pitched a proposal at work for a promotion. I had already been doing all the job responsibilities and it was time to seize the moment to go to the next level. I carefully laid out my resume, cover letter and action plan. Nervously I turned it in to my supportive supervisor hoping for the best. Less than a week later I had a doctors appointment that confirmed that the melanoma cancer had returned. My career aspirations would have to be put on hold. It felt like a terrible defeat despite never having the chance to enter the ring.

One year later I’m still fighting the cancer but everyday it gets better. I gain more strength. Before cancer I was very career driven and that came first at all costs. Today I take it easy and time to enjoy my kids growing up. It can be quite a balancing act at times. Trying to have it all and make it look effortless. Still I keep on going. Every scan and every blood draw is a hurtle towards the finish line. The finish line is far away but every hurtle is an achievement and one step closer.

As we enter 2019, I could say what a horrible 2018 was going through immunotherapy and all that comes with it. But instead every experience, the good and the bad, made me who I am today. I never used to make time to meditate or read for pleasure. Today these are part of daily life. There’s an insatiable thirst for wanting to let you and live my best possible life. Even in the darkest hour there is still light.

I’m still working on my resolutions for this year, but one of them will be to be kinder to myself. Too many times we are our hardest critic. Imagine if that critic was on your side and even a friend. It may take months or years but it’s a habit worth changing. The self-critic is the voice in your head telling you no or all the reasons why you can’t do something. It can be very haunting and cause tremendous anxiety. Over time it’s the voice that dominates and the only one you hear. Through gentle reminders, loving-kindness, and affirmations I plan to continue the journey towards being at peace and acceptance.

 

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December Scans

Most cancer patients have scanxiety. It’s the anxiety of knowing about an upcoming test or waiting what feels like an eternity for results. On day 1 I had bloodwork downtown at MD Anderson at 6:45 am. That’s the opposite side of Houston with lovely unpredictable traffic. Waking up way too early meant I was a zombie that couldn’t eat or drink anything for most of the day. Zombies need to eat. After bloodwork a lovely Barium concoction was made to order-I take mine mixed with Sprite. It’s a super sized drink that you have to hold your nose to take in 45 minutes. They don’t offer any mixers no matter how much you offer to bribe. Yes I have tried. Get drinking the super sized cup and don’t stop because you’re on the clock. After an hour or so is the actual CT scan that takes 10 minutes but there’s a million steps all asking you to verify your ID. Yes I know who I am. There’s also a wrist band just in case. After the CT scan came the MRI. You lie flat and your head is put in a helmet with foam all around to hold your head still. Then the mask is put on. You enter the tube knowing that there is no getting out. Being claustrophobic I have to put myself into deep relaxation and close my eyes each time I have this test. Sounds vibrate at different decimals. Each test lasts about 3-5 minutes and there’s usually 10 total-with and without contrast. After the tests all you want to do is to escape, to escape and go home to sleep. Day 1 was finally over and I could rest.

Twenty four hours later we were sitting in the packed waiting room for melanoma. Every one in that waiting room was fighting the same disease. It was completely packed with 40-50 people but you could hear a pin drop. Everyone was lost in their own thoughts and battle. As I looked around and tried to offer a smile of hope to a few that stared blankly anxiously awaiting for their name to be called. The majority of people were in their late 50s to 60s. I stuck out like a sore thumb being one of the youngest in the group.

You would think that after all this waiting they would come in and tell you the results, nope. A nurse comes in to review your medical history, yes I know I just got scans yesterday and no I haven’t fallen in the last month. Then a young doctor comes in an hour later to tell you the results. Today she was ecstatic to tell me that MY LUNGS WERE CLEAR OF ANY TUMORS AND THE BRAIN TUMOR HAD REMAINED THE SAME SIZE AND SHAPE!!! This means that either the tumor isn’t growing-great news or that it’s scar tissue that will always be there and won’t hurt anything-even better news. I’ll follow up again a few more times every 3 months. Finally the lead doctor comes in to tell the same news and answer any questions. They can’t say that I’m clean and in remission for at least a year. But for now this is a great victory. Everyday I’m getting stronger.

My why

Most people don’t know why I chose to go into the field of education. Why have I dedicated so much towards furthering my education and career.

My reason why is that the system failed me.

I began speech therapy with a private therapist and then once in the public school system slapped with the title of “Special Ed”. With this came pity from many teachers and almost an unwillingness to push me further after all all special education students were treated with a certain stigma in the 80s and 90s. The stigma told over and over was that I was unable to do anything for myself and I was not smart. There’s a lot of things that happen when your teachers, counselors and even principals tell you to get a job where you don’t have to talk. Where you can hide and be a mute all day. After all, special education was considered to be subpar to everyone else.

The difficult part is that I believed it. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to do what I wanted to. I believed I should be ashamed of who I was. The resulted in stumbling through elementary and middle school with mainly Cs. I wanted to be one of the “smart kids” but was told I didn’t have the intellectual capacity.

In high school there was a college night and I fell in love with the brochures from Princeton, Vanderbilt, and Duke. They were nice colorful brochures, but in order to get anywhere I needed to pull myself together. What happened was that I started to fight. I insisted on attending every ARD meeting. I took almost every PreAp and AP course offered. When the report card came out and said “AP US History-Modified” along with that same label on all my other classes I immediately demanded that they be taken off. I was not going to receive special treatment. The only modification was extra time speaking in all 5 years of French class. A class I insisted on taking.

Several people thought I couldn’t make it. That opinion made me so mad and upset that I wanted to prove the, wrong. When I was told over and over that girls, especially a special Ed girl couldn’t do math or science, I went after engineering and eventually mathematics at one of the top schools in the state. When I thought about how much I had to advocate and fight every day during my schooling to receive a quality education, I knew that I wanted to go into education. I wanted to be a role model to my students that anyone can do what they want to do. It may have taken 50 resumes, 12 interviews and one job offer as a first year teacher. But I took it. Nothing and no one was going to stand in my way.

Still I felt the shame and stigma. Every laugh, joke, hung up phone call, everything was humiliating. I kept battling this for several years, some better than others. The fight and needing to constantly prove myself was difficult. There’s a quote –paraphrasing here, that the object that blocks your path is your way. Sheer determination pushed me, but acceptance helped me find my path. I’m proud to have some good and some bad days with my speech, but I’m still here. By being here and my authentic self maybe it’ll inspire others to be courageous. Maybe I’ll be a role model, voice, and advocate for the millions of students labeled as special Ed in our educational system. When your passion and determination are there nothing can stand in your way.

Why do I share this? Because if it inspires one person then it’s worth it. It’s vulnerable and opens up some deep wounds, yes. But it’s authentic. Yesterday I was sitting in my child’s own ARD advocating that he be treated and recognized for all of his abilities, not disabilities. My other son in 4th grade wrote an essay about how I was his hero, not Spider-Man or batman, but me. It’s truly humbling. He has seen so much and that’s made him so compassionate.

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“Good Enough”

What does it mean to be good enough? Who defines it? Is it the houses, cars we drive, materialistic things we own, our career? The funny thing is that the majority of people tend to think if I have this house, or this outfit, or this promotion then I’ll be good enough, then I’ll be accepted.

But what if that isn’t the case? What if no one is really looking or judging you? What if you enjoyed the journey instead of trying to speed to finish something? I caught myself doing this earlier this week while reading a book. How many pages are left? Can I finish it tonight? I wonder if I read it a second time at a slower pace, without an efficient timeline that I would get more out of it.

The fact is-that I’m still learning is that the only person I need to be “good enough” for is myself. I can define what that looks like and was it means to be successful. I can define who I am, no one else has that power. The question is what do you want and how can you make it a reality?

I have so many stories where I’ve felt not good enough because I was trying to impress someone or I was being over critical of myself tearing myself to shreds. It takes daily reminders, mindfulness and time but I’ll get there. Until then I’ll enjoy the journey.

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Acceptance

I’ve been reading a lot personally and professionally. Both discuss the idea of change and that it’s inevitable, that’s life. Nothing will, last forever. One of the books I just finished was “When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt advice for Difficult Times” by Pema Choldon. This was recommended to be by a colleague who is always very calm and composed. She didn’t get worked up when things changed and embraced it. Somehow I knew this was the direction I wanted to go.

I made a decision to take better care of myself. This included physical things such as taking a ton of vitamins, morning/night face cream, allowing myself some indulgences, not obsessing over a certain weight or pant size-what matters more is being healthy and feeling good. I used to think if I was a certain weight, pant size, had a certain purse, or suit then I’d be happy and accepted. The truth that I now see is that none of that matters. I’m meditating daily and working on staying in the present moment. This means not jumping ahead to the “what if’s” and not dwelling in the past. It’s a long journey but one I feel I need to make.

In my professional career I’ve always been ambitious and had a plan since I was in college on how I would get there. It took some work but starting to realize that the journey is the goal. There is no “you’ve made it, you’re finished”. Instead it’s about growing. This sounds like a simple thing to accept but for someone who wants to “better themselves” as if there is something wrong with them, this is quite a shift. It’s acceptance.

Acceptance in doing your best but also realizing that life has suffering. There is no escape from it. Maybe the best thing is to embrace instead of run from it. I’ve had to reframe my beliefs of accepting help as being weak. I’ve had coworkers and neighbors bring my family dinners and help with yard work in the 105 degree heat. My oldest having six weeks of great therapy and talking about cancer has been a blessing and I’m glad I accepted instead of pushing away help.

For the majority of my life I’ve fought against everything. Maybe stubborn, but I could never accept or be happy with myself. Chasing materialistic things hoping it would make me feel whole and happy. This shift through accepting me as me with all the ups and downs has brought great relief. I’ve felt shame, humiliation, anger, and self-hate over not being able to “fix” my speech impediment. It has caused great emotional pain for over 30 years. For the first time in being open and vulnerable I’m able to acknowledge that and accept myself. To be at peace with who I am.

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Back to Reality

Last week was my first week back to work in 3 months with FLMA. I was so nervous about going back. Wanting to make a strong impression I must have tried on 3 different suits and blouses. The second I stepped out of my car I started to see my colleagues who were so happy to see me and gave me huge hugs. This meant so much. In my absence over the summer people move positions and there’s always change. I wanted to embrace the change and do my best.

I returned to work under a new boss who has different expectations. Okay, no problem, I can accept. I can learn from anyone including myself. Bottom line I’m thankful to be back doing what I love. Life changes all the time, you adapt and learn.

It’s been awhile since I’ve read for fun but I had the opportunity to reconnect with my true values. This unexpectedly came in the form of mindfulness and meditation. These two practices have dramatically changed my outlook and helped me stay centered during difficult periods. There’s professional and personal growth and I believe that both are needed to succeed. Sometimes it’s important to make sure you’re ready and have a parachute before you jump. In the past I think I’ve wanted to jump without a parachute that may or may not have opened and I may have made it. However, what this cancer experience has taught me is that you can slow down, stay present and enjoy the moment. Am I saying I’m always centered? No, but the more practice I have the easier it becomes.

At home, Joshua’s been attending a therapy program -(free!!) that provides age appropriate information about when one of their parents have cancer. During both my rounds it affected him the most. He knew I was in pain but couldn’t understand why. He’s starting to ask a lot of questions and we’re having good conversations. It’s group therapy so all the kids ages 5-15 can attend. Joshua has enjoyed both sessions so far and it’s taken some of the fear and uncertainty off his shoulders. That’s been a huge relief and a time to bond. My youngest, David isn’t ready yet. Maybe next year but not yet. And that’s okay.

New books I have read/ am reading:

“Present Over Perfect”*******

Maria shriver’s “I’ve Been Thinking”**********

“The Power of Now”

“When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Difficult Times”*******

“The Four Agreements”

“Loving-Kindness: The Art of Happiness”

*******Highly recommend

Unstoppable

The past few days at MD Anderson have been exhausting. You never know what tests will show and there’s nothing you can do but wait and have faith.

I’m absolutely thrilled that I received some of the best news. My lung tumors that had decreased to very small to immeasurable in June are now all completely gone. Even after stopping meds they went away completely and there’s no remnants left.

Two of the three brain tumors have faded dramatically. The third one is 3mm is stable (which is a good thing) and may have decreased in size. They’ll follow that for awhile. It could be scar tissue, but they’ll continue to follow it to make sure it doesn’t grow.

This news brought tears to my eyes and I’m beyond elated and grateful. It’s another step forward. I’m still healing and the immunotherapy has replicated itself and “taught” new cells how to fight off tumors.

I’m truly fortunate to have the combined efforts of modern medicine that wasn’t available just a few years ago and the prayers, positive thoughts and energy of so many. I also want to thank my coworkers and neighbors who have cooked meals, pulled weeds, and spread mulch. The last two when the HOA started sending letters. I’ve always relied on myself to push through anything and to fight till the very end. But these last three months I’ve been very accepting and have been healing. It’s been a journey that will continue.

As far as the cancer, I can’t say I’m in remission-that will be in two years and I’ll have scans every 3 months, then 6 months, then yearly the rest of my life. I also can’t say that I’m NED (No Evidence of Disease). But what I can say is that I’m getting better everyday and that gives me tremendous hope.

I return to work in just over a week. I expect change, but then so have I. So lookout world, I still have plans and a lot of work to do.

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Two Weeks Notice

You usually hear about the final two week count down when expecting a baby, maybe the number of days before a vacation or starting a new another job. During those two weeks time seems to slow down. For me it’s two weeks till my next set of scans at MD Anderson. This is the big one and in the “cancer bubble world” they call it scanxiety. The anxiety leading up to scans. So much depends on these results and there’s not a whole lot you can do about it. Like waiting in line at Disneyland as a friend put it.

I’ve been off my infusions for a few months now on doctors orders and my immune system is being built back up. The big question is will the three tumors in my brain be stable again-like they were in June, or would they grow/shrink? What about the lungs, are they still gone/going away? So many questions and it’s easy to get overwhelmed and lost. It’s easy to lose hope and skip to the what if’s. Its easy to fall and fall again and fall again. But there is hope, no matter who far or how many times you’ve fallen there’s always hope. No matter what I believe it you look for it there is hope.

It’s been a difficult journey to say the least, but I try to ease the worry and anxiety. from trying to eat healthier, meditation, essential oils, vitamins, reiki healing, and traditional and non-traditional therapy. Whatever it takes. Does it really matter if this is “fixed” with the immunotherapy or my non-traditional methods? Really don’t think so. Maybe it’s a combination, again who cares. No matter how many podcasts I need to listen to or books I have to read it doesn’t matter. What does matter is being in the right frame of mind. Whatever comes will come and the next step will be taken at that time. Living in the what if’s fuels the anxiety as depression. It’s okay to acknowledge both but then look for the hope. Do what you need to do and keep going. For me no matter how many times I’m kicked down and beaten, I stubbornly get back up again. So why would this chapter with cancer be any different?

So there’s my two week notice and I’m going to keep going.

Darwinism and Alaska Shows

I love Alaska shows, especially “Life Below Zero”, because it makes you question if you yourself could really live in that extreme environment. Now I’m sitting in Texas at 103 degrees with AC on full blast. But the question still bakes, could you survive? What are you willing to do and if necessary give up to survive? For those of us that remember the Oregon Trail game who made it to the end? Is it Darwinism at its finest? Would and could you be able to adapt to survive to a new environment? Think of the extreme Alaska show and everyday real life.

Maybe it’s the idea of rolling up your sleeves and doing whatever it takes. Holding yourself accountable for what works or what doesn’t. I’ve never had to hunt for food, but would I do it if necessary. Yes, I believe most of us would. Would it mean stepping outside the comfort zone? Absolutely, but who would be willing to do that? Who takes the first plunge?

I enjoy growing my own fruits and vegetables and seeing that labor and time pay off. The rewards are satisfying. Each year I use different techniques and sometimes they pay off sometimes not. But you never stop learning and improving. Again would you be able to do whatever it takes? What is your limit? Each time you do something different or push yourself it’s an adventure.

For the record I’ve been skiing once in Colorado 25 years ago and went back to the condo early to fix myself a baked potato because it was too cold outside. I like the idea of snow and a house with a fireplace. Maybe in the future. I wonder if Amazon prime ships out there. I’m looking forward to fall for now and that’s it.