My why

Most people don’t know why I chose to go into the field of education. Why have I dedicated so much towards furthering my education and career.

My reason why is that the system failed me.

I began speech therapy with a private therapist and then once in the public school system slapped with the title of “Special Ed”. With this came pity from many teachers and almost an unwillingness to push me further after all all special education students were treated with a certain stigma in the 80s and 90s. The stigma told over and over was that I was unable to do anything for myself and I was not smart. There’s a lot of things that happen when your teachers, counselors and even principals tell you to get a job where you don’t have to talk. Where you can hide and be a mute all day. After all, special education was considered to be subpar to everyone else.

The difficult part is that I believed it. I believed that I wasn’t good enough to do what I wanted to. I believed I should be ashamed of who I was. The resulted in stumbling through elementary and middle school with mainly Cs. I wanted to be one of the “smart kids” but was told I didn’t have the intellectual capacity.

In high school there was a college night and I fell in love with the brochures from Princeton, Vanderbilt, and Duke. They were nice colorful brochures, but in order to get anywhere I needed to pull myself together. What happened was that I started to fight. I insisted on attending every ARD meeting. I took almost every PreAp and AP course offered. When the report card came out and said “AP US History-Modified” along with that same label on all my other classes I immediately demanded that they be taken off. I was not going to receive special treatment. The only modification was extra time speaking in all 5 years of French class. A class I insisted on taking.

Several people thought I couldn’t make it. That opinion made me so mad and upset that I wanted to prove the, wrong. When I was told over and over that girls, especially a special Ed girl couldn’t do math or science, I went after engineering and eventually mathematics at one of the top schools in the state. When I thought about how much I had to advocate and fight every day during my schooling to receive a quality education, I knew that I wanted to go into education. I wanted to be a role model to my students that anyone can do what they want to do. It may have taken 50 resumes, 12 interviews and one job offer as a first year teacher. But I took it. Nothing and no one was going to stand in my way.

Still I felt the shame and stigma. Every laugh, joke, hung up phone call, everything was humiliating. I kept battling this for several years, some better than others. The fight and needing to constantly prove myself was difficult. There’s a quote –paraphrasing here, that the object that blocks your path is your way. Sheer determination pushed me, but acceptance helped me find my path. I’m proud to have some good and some bad days with my speech, but I’m still here. By being here and my authentic self maybe it’ll inspire others to be courageous. Maybe I’ll be a role model, voice, and advocate for the millions of students labeled as special Ed in our educational system. When your passion and determination are there nothing can stand in your way.

Why do I share this? Because if it inspires one person then it’s worth it. It’s vulnerable and opens up some deep wounds, yes. But it’s authentic. Yesterday I was sitting in my child’s own ARD advocating that he be treated and recognized for all of his abilities, not disabilities. My other son in 4th grade wrote an essay about how I was his hero, not Spider-Man or batman, but me. It’s truly humbling. He has seen so much and that’s made him so compassionate.

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“Good Enough”

What does it mean to be good enough? Who defines it? Is it the houses, cars we drive, materialistic things we own, our career? The funny thing is that the majority of people tend to think if I have this house, or this outfit, or this promotion then I’ll be good enough, then I’ll be accepted.

But what if that isn’t the case? What if no one is really looking or judging you? What if you enjoyed the journey instead of trying to speed to finish something? I caught myself doing this earlier this week while reading a book. How many pages are left? Can I finish it tonight? I wonder if I read it a second time at a slower pace, without an efficient timeline that I would get more out of it.

The fact is-that I’m still learning is that the only person I need to be “good enough” for is myself. I can define what that looks like and was it means to be successful. I can define who I am, no one else has that power. The question is what do you want and how can you make it a reality?

I have so many stories where I’ve felt not good enough because I was trying to impress someone or I was being over critical of myself tearing myself to shreds. It takes daily reminders, mindfulness and time but I’ll get there. Until then I’ll enjoy the journey.

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Back to Reality

Last week was my first week back to work in 3 months with FLMA. I was so nervous about going back. Wanting to make a strong impression I must have tried on 3 different suits and blouses. The second I stepped out of my car I started to see my colleagues who were so happy to see me and gave me huge hugs. This meant so much. In my absence over the summer people move positions and there’s always change. I wanted to embrace the change and do my best.

I returned to work under a new boss who has different expectations. Okay, no problem, I can accept. I can learn from anyone including myself. Bottom line I’m thankful to be back doing what I love. Life changes all the time, you adapt and learn.

It’s been awhile since I’ve read for fun but I had the opportunity to reconnect with my true values. This unexpectedly came in the form of mindfulness and meditation. These two practices have dramatically changed my outlook and helped me stay centered during difficult periods. There’s professional and personal growth and I believe that both are needed to succeed. Sometimes it’s important to make sure you’re ready and have a parachute before you jump. In the past I think I’ve wanted to jump without a parachute that may or may not have opened and I may have made it. However, what this cancer experience has taught me is that you can slow down, stay present and enjoy the moment. Am I saying I’m always centered? No, but the more practice I have the easier it becomes.

At home, Joshua’s been attending a therapy program -(free!!) that provides age appropriate information about when one of their parents have cancer. During both my rounds it affected him the most. He knew I was in pain but couldn’t understand why. He’s starting to ask a lot of questions and we’re having good conversations. It’s group therapy so all the kids ages 5-15 can attend. Joshua has enjoyed both sessions so far and it’s taken some of the fear and uncertainty off his shoulders. That’s been a huge relief and a time to bond. My youngest, David isn’t ready yet. Maybe next year but not yet. And that’s okay.

New books I have read/ am reading:

“Present Over Perfect”*******

Maria shriver’s “I’ve Been Thinking”**********

“The Power of Now”

“When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt Advice for Difficult Times”*******

“The Four Agreements”

“Loving-Kindness: The Art of Happiness”

*******Highly recommend

The Night Before the First Day of School: A Mom’s Story

Supplies dropped off, lunches made, first day clothes laid out, showers, and teeth brushed all checked. Tomorrow’s the big day for my kids, not me. Well maybe me too.

Will both boys (1st, 4th) know where to go? Know where to sit in the cafeteria? Will they have friends in their new classes? In a new environment with so many posters will they be able to concentrate at all? Will they be the nice or naughty list? Remember the movie Matilda where the boy had to eat the entire cake?

What will lunch be like? Will their lunches be cool enough to trade or am I a lame mom for going with the traditional sandwich instead of overpriced lunchables. (Once a week for emergencies only, I swear)!

What about the summer assignments, will those be mentioned on day 1? What mom really did make their kid read 1 hour a day and not watch video games? I was proud of the assignment homework completed and an attempt to keep up on summer reading. Will that be good enough? That’s the question will they be good enough as students and will I be good enough as a parent to the teacher? You know LEGO Minecraft is problem solving and creativity. 😉

A million worries flood into my brain just thinking about tomorrow and it’s mostly for them. I can only hope that each year is better than the last and they keep on growing.

Do my boys always have perfectly brushed hair and coordinated outfits? Nope. Sometimes it’s a struggle to get a shirt on, a victory even. I spray hairspray as they’re running out the door. You have to work with what you can and do your best. Do I get looks when I show up with a dozen store bought cupcakes, you bet-ya. If you were a good mother you would have baked them yourself and volunteered-why don’t you volunteer again, don’t you care? Part of it is that little gremlin that sits on the left shoulder nagging with negative self talk but part is society’s unrealistic expectations.

It’s not going to be a perfect year, and I’m sure I’m going to get several calls from the principal (please not on the first day like last year). Kids are going to have bad days just like their parents. The main message I need to consciously remind myself this year is to say that “they made a bad decision, that they’re not bad (or being bad)”. We’ll see how that one goes but I’m optimistic. The bookshelf of mindful books are sinking get in.

Does all this really matter or is it in our heads? Are we overthinking all this drama and making ourselves much more anxious than we really should be? How much of it is bad memories being transferred to out kids? Random thoughts.

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