Taking a moment to pause and absorb yesterday’s scans and this journey. It’s been a myriad of emotions of hope, exuberance, anxiety, disappointment, and heartache. Yesterday’s scans and tests showed No Evidence of Disease (NED) in my lungs!!! That’s basically the best you can get with stage 4 cancer. It’s similar to remission for Melanoma. It means that there are no melanoma tumors in my lungs right now or any signs of them beginning.
The second part is that I continue to have one brain tumor-no new ones. The one brain tumor is 0.6cm and is stable, meaning unchanged in size, orientation, or location. Stable is the next best thing too NED. It means that it’s stopped in its tracks. Melanoma is known for very fast growing tumors and thus a 15-20% five year survival rate for stage 4. That one brain tumor (need to come up with a name for it) has stayed stable now for 6 months which is a such a miracle. Each set of stable scans can’t be taken for granted. It’s another step forward and more reassurance.
I took a deep breath and got up the courage to ask my oncologist the question every cancer patient wants to ask but knows that the doctor can’t tell you–“How long do I have to live?” I asked him what he thought of my prognosis given scans over the last two years since I had immunotherapy. The question has been on my mind for the past five years and I’ve been searching for some relief and assurance. The phrase that “it’s going to be okay” is always filled with uncertainty. My oncologist put on gloves, and in the middle of a pandemic with social distancing, took my hands and told me that given how successful I’ve responded to the immunotherapy-and continue to respond to it two years later that he’s looking at long term survival and me not dying of melanoma. This assurance even if temporary means the world to me. It means that I can look beyond five years down the road. It means that I can look forward to the next 10, 20, 50, 60 years of life and adventures.
I can’t even begin to explain what that means and I’m still processing it myself. I’ve had so many doubts about what would happen the last five years since this journey began. The statistics and numbers were telling me that the odds were not in my favor. I was grieving the possibility of not being able to see my kids grow up, not being able to have the good and bad adventures and days that life brings. In the days leading up to the scans I was anxious for answers and honestly a direction. Most people want to know where they are headed and be able to plan and prepare for it. I found myself preparing for plans A-ZZ with the different what if combinations. I tried to center myself and accept whatever would happen.
This month’s set of tests and scans at MD Anderson were set up to be a test on whether or not my brain tumor stayed stable and I was moving forward, still in limbo, or needed treatment again. In November 2019 I got the amazing news that the little tumors that were still left in my lungs were disappearing. The February and April scans showed that they were gone. Having my lungs cleared is a huge relief. The fact that they stayed clear continues to be a miracle. How can three doses of immunotherapy completely eradicate all growing and multiplying tumors in both lungs and continue to keep them clear two years after treatments have ended? Immunotherapy literally teaches the immune system to recognize cancer cells and to attack them. Certain types of cancer cells can be tricky and hide for years in the body. That’s why it’s important to keep up with scans and to catch anything that comes up immediately.
Right now we’re celebrating. We’re celebrating knowing that long term I’m going to continue to fight and heal. I continue to be strong throughout this journey and have so much to be thankful for. Taking a few days to absorb a new reality, reframe, refocus and start anew with new possibilities for the future. Let the dreaming begin.
Courageous Perseverance 