I’ve been thinking about this post for a while. What do I wish people knew? What would I say to someone currently fighting to help support them? What would I say to their family/friends?
A common reaction I hear people say is “I don’t know how to support them. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say”. People want to help but don’t know how. If you’re one of these people there is no shame, but I hope that this post will help you know how to support your family member/friend who is a fighter and survivor. This is not a comprehensive list but the things I’ve seen myself and in several support groups.
For those survivors and fighters:
*Take one day at a time, nothing is more important than your health and getting better. Put other things aside and focus on you.
*Look for the positive things in your life and things you’re grateful for. Let this list be your support and comfort.
*Find your peace and a way to feel centered. Whether it’s prayer, meditation, journaling do something to find a stillness and peace within yourself. In a difficult situation where so many things are out of control, find control within yourself. You may not be able to control everything but find something that’s constant.
*Once you find peace with yourself, find peace with others. Making things right and dissolving conflict will lessen your stress and help put your heart at peace. No fight is worth it.
*Advocate for yourself, you’re not a number or a file.Listen to the doctors advice but also ask if it makes sense for you. You know your story better than anyone. A second or even a third opinion is essential. Do not be afraid to say no.
*Think about what you want in your life. What risks and chances can you take? You’ve got nothing to lose, don’t hold yourself back. Take this time to re-evaluate your priorities ad change your life. Every morning you have a new opportunity to have a great day.
*Know that other people don’t know what to say to you or how to act. People will ask you “How are you?” And all they really want you to say is “OK” or “Fine”. Some people don’t want to or aren’t capable of hearing the whole truth. You find out who are your true friends and the ones who will support you every step of the way. Be prepared for surprises and disappointments.
*Find a way to surround yourself with supportive people. In person or online. There are online support groups for each health care issue. Connecting with other people across the world who are going through the same treatment is so helpful. Many pregnant women turn to online forums and communities to ask questions, vent, and support. This is also available for patients and caregivers online.
*It’s never over. A friend told me once that there’s life before and life after cancer. At first I took the second part to be much worse than the first. But it doesn’t have to be. It changes you but sometimes it makes the picture more clear.
*You becomes survivor the day you’re diagnosed. Everyday is survival.
*No matter how stubborn you are, you’ll need to ask for and get help. It’s okay. You don’t have to do it all. Take advantage of the services out there and friend/family who offer to help.
*If you have children, look into and sign up for free group therapy for kids. This was an amazing thing for my oldest son and enabled him to talk to other kids with parents who had cancer. It’s a non-threatening environment where they can ask questions and express their emotions.
For families/friends of survivors and fighters:
*Number one is show up. Be there. Do not say “I’m sorry” and go away. Just being there every step of the way means the world.
*Make time to listen. Ask how are you really doing. There is not OK or Fine. You don’t have to have all the answers, no one expects you to. Just be there.
*Accept that there are good days and bad days. Be there for both. Highlight the good and listen when they’re talking about the bad days.
*Help the person make peace. Forgive them for anything they’ve done to you. This will lessen your burden and their burden.
*Take care of yourself, while you’re there for them pay attention to your own emotions and find a way to process them.
*Put a smile on their face with a surprise or a joke. Make their day. It’ll go a long way and mean a lot.
*Know that there could be a lot going on underneath the surface. Just because a person may “look fine” doesn’t mean they’re not in pain.
*Show up and be there. It bears repeating again and again because it’s so simple but very important and means the world.
Courageous Perseverance 