My husband and I went to Alaska for two weeks. It was an amazing vacation. I packed each day with a new experience and things I’ve always wanted to do. We went white water rafting-something I’ve wanted to do since age 12. It was thrilling and such an exciting excursion. The 34 degree water drenching you as the raft bounces up and down through the river rapids. We hiked an average of 5 miles a day up mountains, through the arctic tundra, and rainforests. There were multiple moose, bears, doll sheep, and tons of bald eagles. The freshest seafood including salmon and crab was everywhere. We ventured out to go whale watching and saw Killer Whales and Humpbacks with their babies emerge out of the water and dive below. I walked across a suspension bridge 500 ft high when I’m afraid of heights and on the return trip doing it with no hands. I dreaded and looked forward to that day for a long time. I wanted to face my fear of heights and go for it. It was amazing to take that step. The lush green forest and fresh air was unbelievable. Even though each day I was beyond exhausted it was worth it. I’m so glad I took the time to do those things I wanted to do for so long. There are numerous memories that were made that will always be cherished.
I knew the next step was coming, but tried not to think about it on vacation. It finally hit me today that in two days I’ll be going down to MD Anderson for my next appointment and next set of scans. I got very emotional today thinking about what may happen and the uncertainty. In March they found one new lung tumor–after I had clear lungs for 6 months. The two brain tumors were stable. There was also a possible new tumor in my liver. The oncologist said that they were too small then to do anything, it would be a wait and watch situation. Waiting and watching. This is hard situation as there are no answers. In the uncertainty you grasp for anything, supplements, vitamins, diet change, mediation, therapy, whatever possibility is out there. Each thing hoping that it makes a difference but never knowing your fate. It’s extremely difficult to prepare yourself for all sorts of scenarios and their impacts.
This week may mean more waiting and watching, the tumors could be stable or gone, there could be more tumors or they could have grown, and I may/may not start treatments again. So many possibilities to try to prepare for.
It may sound naive and foolish but I wish that I could be completely healed and this monster would leave me. I wish I could go back to a non-cancer life when I knew I’d have many many years to live and a lifetime of memories. There would be no lasting side effects and no chronic pain. It’s difficult to accept and heartbreaking knowing that that vision may or may not happen. So hard to find peace in so much uncertainty.
Courageous Perseverance 