Acceptance

I’ve been reading a lot personally and professionally. Both discuss the idea of change and that it’s inevitable, that’s life. Nothing will, last forever. One of the books I just finished was “When Things Fall Apart: Heartfelt advice for Difficult Times” by Pema Choldon. This was recommended to be by a colleague who is always very calm and composed. She didn’t get worked up when things changed and embraced it. Somehow I knew this was the direction I wanted to go.

I made a decision to take better care of myself. This included physical things such as taking a ton of vitamins, morning/night face cream, allowing myself some indulgences, not obsessing over a certain weight or pant size-what matters more is being healthy and feeling good. I used to think if I was a certain weight, pant size, had a certain purse, or suit then I’d be happy and accepted. The truth that I now see is that none of that matters. I’m meditating daily and working on staying in the present moment. This means not jumping ahead to the “what if’s” and not dwelling in the past. It’s a long journey but one I feel I need to make.

In my professional career I’ve always been ambitious and had a plan since I was in college on how I would get there. It took some work but starting to realize that the journey is the goal. There is no “you’ve made it, you’re finished”. Instead it’s about growing. This sounds like a simple thing to accept but for someone who wants to “better themselves” as if there is something wrong with them, this is quite a shift. It’s acceptance.

Acceptance in doing your best but also realizing that life has suffering. There is no escape from it. Maybe the best thing is to embrace instead of run from it. I’ve had to reframe my beliefs of accepting help as being weak. I’ve had coworkers and neighbors bring my family dinners and help with yard work in the 105 degree heat. My oldest having six weeks of great therapy and talking about cancer has been a blessing and I’m glad I accepted instead of pushing away help.

For the majority of my life I’ve fought against everything. Maybe stubborn, but I could never accept or be happy with myself. Chasing materialistic things hoping it would make me feel whole and happy. This shift through accepting me as me with all the ups and downs has brought great relief. I’ve felt shame, humiliation, anger, and self-hate over not being able to “fix” my speech impediment. It has caused great emotional pain for over 30 years. For the first time in being open and vulnerable I’m able to acknowledge that and accept myself. To be at peace with who I am.